In the End Hate Me
by YTSC
Summary: The time has come for Anders to face the consequences of his actions but first he has to make sure of something.


Anders held the key tight in his hand; it represented everything he was on his way to throw away. He had felt so lonely like he had been drifting away into darkness and rage. Always on the move, always the guard up, caring but did not let anyone in. Anders had stalked the shadow from the time he merged with justice. Hawke had been a gentle ray of light, warm and welcoming. He had even returned to the deep roads for her and contacted the grey wardens.  
Even thought Justice echoed in his head telling him to stay away he had been drawn to her like a moth to a flame and had been burned by passion and love.  
Anders shuddered as he remembers her light warm touch against his skin. At first had he thought that he reacted so strongly to her just because she was a mage.  
But with the years had he learned that she was so much more. She was hope, love and strength, he could heal physical wounds but she healed the very soul. He watched as people gathered around her, the once Fereldan refugee and now champion. She was like a heavy rain; washed away the dirt cleaned the air and brought life to the dry desert that was Kirkwall.  
They were so different and he knew only sorrow waited if he stayed with her.  
Justice had said that it was not right to lead her down the road of pain, not after everything she had lost. Anders had tried; oh he had tried to put distance between himself and Hawke. But selfish as he was had he in the end accepted her love and finally the key. She had given him so much, a new reason to live, hope and the feeling of being wanted and loved. He hated himself for keeping her in the dark and using her trust, for the hurt he was going to inflict her.  
It would had been kinder to both of them if he had listened to Justice and ended it, or not even started anything.  
He squeezed the key in his hand and gave it a light kiss before he left it on a table and headed out.

He made his way to the chantry with heavy steps, the feather cape felt heavy on his shoulder. His stomach twisted in agony as he approached Hawke who was trying to calm Meredith and Orsino down. Her companions were focused on her and did not notice him as he walked closer.

" The grand cleric can not help you. " He said and walked past Hawke. He stood tall and spoke the words he had prepared.  
Anders felt his strength slip away as he heard how Hawke approached him. He slipped away into himself to hide from her as Justice took over.

"Anders, what have you done?"

Her voice brought him back; if he let Justice do the talking she might only blame him.  
It would be for the best if she ends up hating them both. If he was able to make her hate them he could spare her the sorrow of losing yet another one close to her. Anders turned away from Hawke, unable to face her. He took some step to widen the distance between them.

"There can be no turning back." He said with a heavy heart as he heard the dull humming that meant the explosive was working.  
The world light up as a red pillar of light ascended to the sky. He braced himself for the , stones and fire came raining down over the forsaken city as the light died out. Things happened fast afterward, the Templars attacked when Hawke decided to fight for the mages. Everyone had been on her side, even the mage hating elf and the rule loving Aveline. Anders allowed himself one last look and turned around to watch Hawke fighting. She had her usual calm face but her eyes reflected the betrayal and hurt she felt. Anders cursed himself for he knew that his action was the reason for her dark feelings. But it would be so much easier to part if she hated him.

The fight died out and Orsino left them to hurry to the gallows. Orsino had left Hawke to deal with him. Anders sat down on a crate facing away from Hawke doing his best to not let his feelings or Justice take over.  
She asked if it was only Justice's fault, he could sense the small hope in her voice.  
It was hard for him but he crushed that hope by explaining that he and Justice was now one.

" I might have understood if you only have told me. " She said and there was a hint of anger in her voice.

His heart felt heavier and lighter at the same time over her anger. He prepared himself to answer, made sure his voice would be loud enough to reach her ears.

" I wanted to tell you, but could not. Only you would have been able to stop me and this had to be done."

" So you hide the truth from me? Fooled me to assist you? What if I had wanted to help?" Her voice was but a whisper.

"If you had offered your help I would not have been able to do this. The world needs to see this, so we all can stop pretending that the circle is a solution. If I have to pay with my life then I will, at least Justice will be free. Nothing is more important than this, not even love."

 _\- Hate me, hate me so much that you can kill me and move on with no regret-_


End file.
